Don’t Change Things
I am not yet at that point where I can look back on my life and see how I turned out. Do you ever really reach that point? Do you ever stop growing, stop changing? I know myself, probably better than most my age, but I also know I am not done. I know that I don’t know what lies ahead, that I will continue to grow and change, that I am on the way to becoming the woman I have always wanted to be, but that I’m not quite there yet. I will arrive, just not right now.
And I was thinking today of what I would tell my younger self, if I could. What would I tell the Jordyn of 2005 or 6 or 7? What would I tell her to watch out for, what would I tell her to do and not do? Would I have her change the course of life, avoid that person, get to know that person? Do this, don’t do that?
I’m not sure.
I know it would be easier for her, less sad in life, if I did. I know she could avoid drama and heartbreak and awkwardness, but I wonder about it. I wonder about where the Present Me would be if the Past Me did things a little differently. Would I be as far along as I am now, or would I be further back? Would I even be on the same road at all?
I feel as if I should tell her not to be sad so often, not to cry over things, because she’s a little pathetic. But then I think that I don’t really mind her patheticness and that I only think of it as being pathetic when I’m being hard on myself; the rest of the time it’s just emotions, and what’s wrong with feeling your emotions? Past Me and Present Me are both very in tune with themselves and I don’t think I want to change that. They are very alive, something I don’t want to ever change. Because I have this theory, lots of theories really, and this one I’m just starting to develop, but it says that in life things tend to work themselves out. It’s not always pretty, not always easy, but they do. You skin your knee and get a band-aid, break your bone and get a cast, break your heart and let it heal. You fight and make up, lose the bad friends and keep the good as well as making new ones. You cry and then you laugh, you’re sad, but then the happy shows up again.
Life has a way of working itself out.
And I don’t know, maybe telling Past Me to do things differently (if such a thing were possible) would just mess things up in my present life. I don’t think I want things messed up in my present life.
Tags: emotions, happy, life, me, philosophy, sad, theories, theory
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July 2, 2008 at 10:29 am
If I could write a letter to my past self I don’t think I’d tell her to do anything differently. I don’t know what one small mistake could affect. I might not be where I am or who I am today. I like the learning process
July 2, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Nice post, I don’t think you ever stop growing, I hope not anyway.
Thre are a few things I would change and I do dwell on them which is so stupid as I can’t change them!
July 2, 2008 at 4:20 pm
The other problem with telling the Past You how Past You messed up is that it doesn’t get the Present You anywhere, unless it’s a mistake that could be repeated that you don’t want to repeat. But if it’s about things that happened that you can’t change, then it’s sortof pointless, you know?
With me, when I was around 18 to 20, I was at a crossroads in life: should I pursue higher education? In what field? What school should I go to? Should I stay home and work or pioneer? Should I move out and get a full time job?
Well, what I really wanted to do was to go school somewhere where Deaf Studies was available, which would mean moving. But… I suppose that wasn’t very practical, and so I ended up moving out to a different city and getting a full time job. A year later I was married and I would never had met my husband if I hadn’t moved out. Sooooo, it’s hard to look back and say, “boy I wish I would have gone to school for deaf studies” when things went a different way (not that i regret getting married, of course) and there’s no going back to change that, you know? It is what it is.
Sometimes decisions are difficult to make and can impact your life for years and years. But, either way, I’d like to think that whatever I had decided to do, the outcome still would have been good and led in the overall general direction of where I wanted to be.
July 3, 2008 at 9:40 am
freeandflawed - Yeah I think I agree. I always wonder what about me might be different if I had done things differently in the past. And I’m too happy with who I am now to want to change it.
marmiteandtea - I think everyone always has things about themselves that they don’t like but can’t really change. It’s a curse.
Chiada - Exactly. I have no idea how things would be if I hadn’t graduated early from high school or been friends with certain people. And it’s scary to think about who I might be if I weren’t Me.
July 5, 2008 at 6:49 am
great post! We never stop growing, changing and learning. Every single day we learn (as for me).
I don’t think I’ll tell my past self what to do if ever I get the change to talk to pastme. I will never have reached the present me if it wasnt for my pastme.