The Wrong Girl
September 4, 2008
I’ve been thinking something lately. This feeling I’ve had for… well, let’s just say a GOOD LONG WHILE has crept back up again.
And my question, the one that always accompanies this thought, feeling, realization, is does it really matter? Does it matter why anyone wants to talk to me or be my friend, does it matter if they look to me when there is no one else left? Does it matter if I only get the position when someone else is no longer there?
I really don’t know the answer to that question.
Did I hate feeling like the replacement girl, like I could be picked back up again whenever she wandered off?
Yeah.
But in spite of that did I love those friendships, or quasi-friendships, or whatever the heck sort of label I could give them anyways? Didn’t they make me amazingly happy?
Yes.
But it’s stupid, isn’t it? If it bothers me to be that girl, the replacement girl, I should have respected myself enough to not be her. But if those friendships were worth it I shouldn’t have cared.
Instead I did neither.
I put my friendship out there, telling the people I care for, when you are ready I will be your friend. And I meant it one hundred percent, but then I wonder, like I am now: is it really me they want to be friends with, want to talk to, or am I still just the replacement girl? And how long does that status really last anyways?
But here is the facts: I care about people. If they will let me, I will be a friend. And I guess if I’m going to be that way I can’t worry too much about the whys, can I?
And the biggest two questions of all: do I really want to post this, and why did it take me so long to discover P.G. Wodehouse?
Entry Filed under: Friending, Seriously, The Jordyn. Tags: awkward, crazy, friendship, me, my life, people, replacement, stuff.
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1.
hannahatlarge | September 5, 2008 at 2:16 am
“Why” is such a hard question. Thats why one of the rules of science is to never ask ‘why’ because its a question that they can never answer.
Anway. Friendship is such a subjective thing. Having a good friend, even if the friendship is a little half-baked, is absolutely amazing and a necessary enrichement to life, but having a friend also guarantees that you’ll get hurt. Everyone is imperfect; we all hurt each other from time to time.
Never lose your affection for people. So few people lack affection for others. Its a very desirable, Christ-like trait. (I hope I don’t sound like a fruity bible-thumper…)
Do I come across as preachy? I really hope not. I just talk a lot… >_<
2.
Meg | September 5, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I know what your saying. And ur not my replacement friend. I just was blind before to how awesome you are. Sometimes I get narrow sighted on friends….it took me this long to figure out that it was always my problem…not the other persons. I guess I’ll explain myself more next time we hang out lol…
3.
girljordyn | September 5, 2008 at 9:34 pm
hannah – Yeah, you’re right. Why is the hardest question in the world. I’m sure there are many answers. And NO, you don’t sound like a “fruity bible-thumper”, but I wouldn’t take offense even if you did.
(Oh, and that is an AWESOME phrase, by the way.)
Meg – Because my awesomeness is BLINDING! Lol kidding of course. And I really really really hope this post didn’t make you feel bad or anything; friendship is a two-way street and there were a lot of times when I could have been better too. But at least we are now! Woot!!